Today I am fighting fear.
Fear that the weight won't come off. I am stuck and the scale doesn't seem to be moving. The progress seems to be slow. I went to a support group meeting last week. Someone there who had surgery after me has already lost 50 pounds! While I think that is wonderful, it certainly isn't the case for me.
Fear that I will blow this. My hunger is beginning to return and I want to eat more often. I am only supposed to be eating three meals a day with MAYBE one snack. I am afraid my old habits of wanting to graze all the time is returning.
Fear that I will make the wrong choices with the food I am eating. Whether that food will stay down or is just a plain wrong choice.
Fear of how I am going to do on the cruise I am going on next week with my best friend. (Maybe it will be a good thing to not have my scale with me at all.)
Fear is not a good thing. I am putting things in place to combat this fear. I signed up for Fitness Pal this morning on my Android. That way I can track what I am eating. If things continue to stagnate I will take it to my doctor's office and have a chat.
The cruise will be what it is. No scale, like I said, can be a good thing. I will be more active with excursions than just my regular day to day walking. I will have my best friend for support. She is absolutely wonderful in that department. She will also tell me like it is if I need to have a kick in the pants. No letting it off easy for this girl.
Of course, the first thing I should do is turn to God. Pray and be still in His presence. He will give me what I need as well. So why is this the last thing I am writing when it should have been the first? When will I ever learn.
Tuesday, March 19, 2013
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
Changes
I went back to work last Monday. Even though I have had tiring days I seem to have so much more energy than I did before the surgery. I no longer have the need to come home and nap every afternoon. That doesn't mean that I don't veg out, but I am not sleeping my life away.
I am going through clothes to find things that fit right now. It certainly helps to have years worth of clothes that I grew out of and couldn't bear to give away. However, my family room looks like a disaster area. I have piles of this size and that size sitting around. One thing I am not keeping is clothes that I have grown out of. Those clothes are going into a special box to be given away.
I am now eating solid foods again. It is nice to have a greater variety to choose from. I just no longer find joy in eating like I used to. It seems to be somewhat of a chore. Yes, I did just say that. And I can't believe it was me who said it. Before I never understood those people that ate to live. Now I have an inkling of what that is like. I really hope this feeling never goes away. I would much rather force myself to eat than force myself to stop. I feel I would just rather drink. Water that is, no alcohol for me. I have read that people who have had gastric by-pass can become addicted to alcohol very easily, even if they never had a problem with it before. I have no desire to trade one addiction for another.
Down twenty-five pounds and counting. Current measures are updated. I will put up the new weight tomorrow. Got to give it every day that I can. I am still working on looking in the mirror and being okay with what I am and what I am becoming. It can be so hard to not look at how far I still have to go. Self image can be a tough thing.
I am going through clothes to find things that fit right now. It certainly helps to have years worth of clothes that I grew out of and couldn't bear to give away. However, my family room looks like a disaster area. I have piles of this size and that size sitting around. One thing I am not keeping is clothes that I have grown out of. Those clothes are going into a special box to be given away.
I am now eating solid foods again. It is nice to have a greater variety to choose from. I just no longer find joy in eating like I used to. It seems to be somewhat of a chore. Yes, I did just say that. And I can't believe it was me who said it. Before I never understood those people that ate to live. Now I have an inkling of what that is like. I really hope this feeling never goes away. I would much rather force myself to eat than force myself to stop. I feel I would just rather drink. Water that is, no alcohol for me. I have read that people who have had gastric by-pass can become addicted to alcohol very easily, even if they never had a problem with it before. I have no desire to trade one addiction for another.
Down twenty-five pounds and counting. Current measures are updated. I will put up the new weight tomorrow. Got to give it every day that I can. I am still working on looking in the mirror and being okay with what I am and what I am becoming. It can be so hard to not look at how far I still have to go. Self image can be a tough thing.
Monday, March 4, 2013
Month One
One month down! It is hard to believe it has been one month since my surgery. One month since I started this journey to a slimmer, healthier me!
What has happened in the last month?
Food no longer rules my life. Which is funny because I have to actually think more about what food is going into my mouth and down into my pouch. Before I would eat whatever sounded good. That was often processed food and lots of it. Now, protein comes first and then fruits and vegetables. Often, my meals get shared with my dog because I can't eat it all. Guess what? She is losing weight too.
I have lost 22 pounds! And inches. The days when I don't lose can be disheartening, but I am better able to look at the big picture without panicking too bad and going off program.
I am able to walk by a mirror without looking to see how big my belly is or checking out my double chin.
I take less medication and more supplements. Vitamins are my friend. I am still working on making iron my friend. I would like to take it without it upsetting my stomach.
My insides still hurt from the surgery even a month out. (However, tonight they itch! Which shows that is healing as well).
I am glad I took the extra week off of work and didn't push myself. God really does know what he is doing! Imagine that!
I signed up for my first ever sporting event! I am going to participate in a 5K obstacle course/mud run in August. I would love to have others join me to support Breast Cancer.
I went from shopping in the Plus Size Clothing area to the regular size clothing area. However, I am still afraid to try on clothes for fear they won't fit.
I progressed from clear liquids to liquids to pureed foods back to whole foods again.
I learned that I can take 20-30 minutes to eat a meal, even if it is only 1/2 cup of food. I can focus on other things rather than inhalation of sustenance.
I no longer want to be a Contestant on the Biggest Loser. Okay, I never really wanted to be a contestant, but I could have qualified! Now I can watch it and compare my weight loss to theirs.
I am looking forward to exercising again. I am having a hard time with the cold weather because I want to get outside and walk.
It is amazing what a difference a month can make!
What has happened in the last month?
Food no longer rules my life. Which is funny because I have to actually think more about what food is going into my mouth and down into my pouch. Before I would eat whatever sounded good. That was often processed food and lots of it. Now, protein comes first and then fruits and vegetables. Often, my meals get shared with my dog because I can't eat it all. Guess what? She is losing weight too.
I have lost 22 pounds! And inches. The days when I don't lose can be disheartening, but I am better able to look at the big picture without panicking too bad and going off program.
I am able to walk by a mirror without looking to see how big my belly is or checking out my double chin.
I take less medication and more supplements. Vitamins are my friend. I am still working on making iron my friend. I would like to take it without it upsetting my stomach.
My insides still hurt from the surgery even a month out. (However, tonight they itch! Which shows that is healing as well).
I am glad I took the extra week off of work and didn't push myself. God really does know what he is doing! Imagine that!
I signed up for my first ever sporting event! I am going to participate in a 5K obstacle course/mud run in August. I would love to have others join me to support Breast Cancer.
I went from shopping in the Plus Size Clothing area to the regular size clothing area. However, I am still afraid to try on clothes for fear they won't fit.
I progressed from clear liquids to liquids to pureed foods back to whole foods again.
I learned that I can take 20-30 minutes to eat a meal, even if it is only 1/2 cup of food. I can focus on other things rather than inhalation of sustenance.
I no longer want to be a Contestant on the Biggest Loser. Okay, I never really wanted to be a contestant, but I could have qualified! Now I can watch it and compare my weight loss to theirs.
I am looking forward to exercising again. I am having a hard time with the cold weather because I want to get outside and walk.
It is amazing what a difference a month can make!
Sunday, March 3, 2013
Weights and Measures
Weights and Measures have not changed much in the last ten days. Down 20 pounds total so no complaints overall, but one would think that with the minimal amount of food going down that it would be much faster. Patience!!! Patience!!! Patience!!!
On the other hand I am feeling stronger everyday. A good thing since I am going back to work tomorrow. We will see how it goes. It is a good thing that my first day back will be a quiet one.
I also start full foods tomorrow. The pureed stuff didn't bother me, but this is an exciting phase to be entering into!
On the other hand I am feeling stronger everyday. A good thing since I am going back to work tomorrow. We will see how it goes. It is a good thing that my first day back will be a quiet one.
I also start full foods tomorrow. The pureed stuff didn't bother me, but this is an exciting phase to be entering into!
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
Monday, February 25, 2013
Catch Up
I hadn't realized it had been since last Wednesday that I posted. My front side starting hurting again, so I really tried to focus on not moving and letting it heal.
My doctor appointment went well. Things are healing nicely. I still have one cut that has a stitch on each end that I am waiting to heal before I can take a bath. I really can not wait to relax in the tub again! I am definitely looking forward to that one.
I also went to my first support group. We had a speaker about exercise. Everyone seems so much further along than I am and looked wonderful! They had a ton of questions for the personal trainer. It would be nice to be able to go that route when I am cleared for more that walking. Not sure of the expense though.
My weight was stuck at 202 point something since last week. Finally down to 201.1 this morning. Previous weight loss efforts seem to stall around this point so it wasn't surprising. I am glad I didn't have a choice BUT to trust the program. This is the point I would have quit and started eating with my old bad habits.
Last night I went to a church event. It was a Spaghetti Dinner and Pie Auction. Paul wanted me to attend because it was for the youth program. He is a leader with the senior high youth. So I went. I dutifully packed my dinner...pureed turkey and light mayo, yogurt and an energy drink. Since Paul was busy I sat by myself while others ate around me. My thoughts for awhile were, "What the hell am I doing here? I can't eat spaghetti, which smelled wonderful, nor can I eat pies AND finally I am lonely in a room full of people I don't know." Talk about feeling sorry for myself. When I finally unwadded my big girl panties and talked to a few people (thank you Marcia for sitting by me) I got a grip. I sang some worship songs and bid on a bunch of pies which were mostly given away to others at the end of the evening. I realized it wasn't about me, never had been in fact. It was about God and the youth, imagine that!
Today in the mail I got a treat in the mail. I ordered some protein drinks from Chike Nutrition. I can't wait to try them. I will let you know how they taste. They are low in sugar and fat as well as high in protein.
I am going back to work on Monday. Actually I was supposed to go back today. There is no way I would have been ready so the leave was extended one more week. Thank goodness! I think this is the week where my energy and strength will finally return full force. I am counting on it anyway.
My doctor appointment went well. Things are healing nicely. I still have one cut that has a stitch on each end that I am waiting to heal before I can take a bath. I really can not wait to relax in the tub again! I am definitely looking forward to that one.
I also went to my first support group. We had a speaker about exercise. Everyone seems so much further along than I am and looked wonderful! They had a ton of questions for the personal trainer. It would be nice to be able to go that route when I am cleared for more that walking. Not sure of the expense though.
My weight was stuck at 202 point something since last week. Finally down to 201.1 this morning. Previous weight loss efforts seem to stall around this point so it wasn't surprising. I am glad I didn't have a choice BUT to trust the program. This is the point I would have quit and started eating with my old bad habits.
Last night I went to a church event. It was a Spaghetti Dinner and Pie Auction. Paul wanted me to attend because it was for the youth program. He is a leader with the senior high youth. So I went. I dutifully packed my dinner...pureed turkey and light mayo, yogurt and an energy drink. Since Paul was busy I sat by myself while others ate around me. My thoughts for awhile were, "What the hell am I doing here? I can't eat spaghetti, which smelled wonderful, nor can I eat pies AND finally I am lonely in a room full of people I don't know." Talk about feeling sorry for myself. When I finally unwadded my big girl panties and talked to a few people (thank you Marcia for sitting by me) I got a grip. I sang some worship songs and bid on a bunch of pies which were mostly given away to others at the end of the evening. I realized it wasn't about me, never had been in fact. It was about God and the youth, imagine that!
Today in the mail I got a treat in the mail. I ordered some protein drinks from Chike Nutrition. I can't wait to try them. I will let you know how they taste. They are low in sugar and fat as well as high in protein.
I am going back to work on Monday. Actually I was supposed to go back today. There is no way I would have been ready so the leave was extended one more week. Thank goodness! I think this is the week where my energy and strength will finally return full force. I am counting on it anyway.
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
New Toys
Last night my husband and I went to Kohl's to pick up a couple of things to make my life easier right now.
One was the Ninja Master Prep set. It is not the big set they offer, but it is more than enough for what I need. Now I can puree, chop and liquidify to my heart's content. Protein shakes will be a part of my life from now on. If this machine makes it easier I will be one happy camper. Now I just need to find some recipes that will work in this wonder.
The other thing we picked up was silicone egg poachers. I remember having something like this growing up, but it was a pan. The pans were a little spendy. I am sure if they weren't Calphalon they would have been reasonable, but... With these poachers, you fill a saucepan with 3/4 inch of water, crack the egg into the poacher and set it in the pan with the lid on. In 4-5 minutes you have a perfectly poached egg. Little or no fat involved.
The third thing I want to mention is my Tervis cup, which I did not buy at Kohl's. Paul and Samantha bought it for me before I embarked on this journey. It is an insulated cup that holds a ton of water. It has a lifetime warranty. If I break it they will replace it free of charge. Now this is a deal for me. I can not tell you how many insulated cups I have broken. I should have stock in the insulated cup industry. I would make myself rich. Anyway, I use it all the time!!! I can no longer drink through a straw so this is a perfect cup. If I fill and drink from it three times throughout the day I will have my water intake (plus) for the day.
I have my second post op visit to the doctor today. I finally feel that I can drive to my appointment and not do myself in. We will see anyway. Then tonight is my first support group meeting. I have never been to a support group meeting. It will be nice to meet other people who are going through or have gone through the same thing. Right now everything is kind of by trial and error or from what I have read. I am looking forward to some feedback from others.
One was the Ninja Master Prep set. It is not the big set they offer, but it is more than enough for what I need. Now I can puree, chop and liquidify to my heart's content. Protein shakes will be a part of my life from now on. If this machine makes it easier I will be one happy camper. Now I just need to find some recipes that will work in this wonder.
The other thing we picked up was silicone egg poachers. I remember having something like this growing up, but it was a pan. The pans were a little spendy. I am sure if they weren't Calphalon they would have been reasonable, but... With these poachers, you fill a saucepan with 3/4 inch of water, crack the egg into the poacher and set it in the pan with the lid on. In 4-5 minutes you have a perfectly poached egg. Little or no fat involved.
The third thing I want to mention is my Tervis cup, which I did not buy at Kohl's. Paul and Samantha bought it for me before I embarked on this journey. It is an insulated cup that holds a ton of water. It has a lifetime warranty. If I break it they will replace it free of charge. Now this is a deal for me. I can not tell you how many insulated cups I have broken. I should have stock in the insulated cup industry. I would make myself rich. Anyway, I use it all the time!!! I can no longer drink through a straw so this is a perfect cup. If I fill and drink from it three times throughout the day I will have my water intake (plus) for the day.
I have my second post op visit to the doctor today. I finally feel that I can drive to my appointment and not do myself in. We will see anyway. Then tonight is my first support group meeting. I have never been to a support group meeting. It will be nice to meet other people who are going through or have gone through the same thing. Right now everything is kind of by trial and error or from what I have read. I am looking forward to some feedback from others.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)